I
have faced many losses in my daily life. A teacher, A friend, A paternal Uncle,
A maternal uncle, Granny and Grandad. Yes, I have lost people. Rather, I would
like to say, I gave back these people to their creator. I knew they have lived their
life happily and any more day beyond their last day would be just as painful as
anything that words fail to describe. But, losing someone who fits in every
possible relation ; A teacher – to teach me what is right and what is wrong, A
friend to be in need, A guide to give me suggestions, A companion to travel
with me, A parent to understand what I would need, A co – gamer to play with me,
A grandparent to cook for me and tell me stories and above all A BROTHER – to
love me with all his heart; yes, losing him is a pain to me every day, every
minute.
Three
months later, I was experiencing a paroxysm of weeping for the first time after
my brother’s demise, that I started telling stories of his life to a few
friends. When I began mentioning his life in ‘past tense’ my friends stopped me
and asked me to talk in present tense. Few friends in-boxed me saying that they did not want my 'Kailash diaries' on 16th of every month. Instead, the 23rd of every month. The reason they tell me is that I should start celebrating his life more than brooding over his death.
Friends have always been my family so
far. I do not know, how to thank them for all that they have done to me at
various points of my life. Friends filled in so much of my life’s pages. And,
here by friends I mean, people elder to me. When ‘Friends’ by themselves are an
advantage to any human being, I had the perks of having experienced (I really
don wanna call them Old, u know!!) friends who had always taught me to look the
other side of any story being told. When I hang up any calls with them,
suddenly, from nowhere, this feeling of loneliness creeps in and occupies my
whole self and gives me the relentless reminders being orphaned (Oh yea, I do
have my parents! But, Kailash was above all the kith and kin). I was not someone
who used to weep and wail so easily. I was soft yet stubborn. I wasn’t pampered
much but I made sure or at least he made sure that I got what I deserved.
I
once went to him with a problem. I felt I was exploited and abused by one of my
mentors during a project phase. I never knew with whom I can share. I was
afraid of telling my parents. For, they would tell me to withdraw the project
and come home to them. I can’t do that! I called him over phone. I told him my
trouble. His immediate response: “Every coin has another side. I would not say
you are the only person right. Neither would I say you are the only person
wrong. Learn the experience from this. Learn the mistake and know to do it
right. Forgetting or forgiving the people involved is your discretion. But, learn.
Learn to learn and learn to accept and learn to prioritize your needs and learn
to empathize. Remember, you are on your own now. Kerala is our neighboring
state. Yes, I agree. We can come to you by an overnight journey. But, it was
your choice to go there for your project. You are responsible for your
decisions. Live and Learn to Live!”
I
keep remembering this more often because of the experiences - the bitter and
best, the people around me keep giving me. My present situations make me feel
the pangs of remorse that I am missing a trust worthy kin. How true was his
word ‘live and learn to live!’ I still wonder, maybe he is the gospel to many
of our lives. Even as being as translucent as I can be, I can’t stitch words
together to express the lacuna in my life because of his physical absence. But,
I am learning. I am learning to accept.
