In pursuit of happiness . . !

I cry through my smiles. Being an honest human being is much more complicated than I ever knew. No Biochemistry or Cell Biology or Probability statistics books taught me to be honest human being with true emotions. I had an unshakable faith that Kailash would be there for me when I face the darkness in life. I had an unaltered confidence that Kailash would be there for my parents too when I get married. When the unshakable and unaltered was shaken and altered, my emotions build like layers.  

Both my parents are educationalists by profession - teachers and principled principals! So, September has always been a month for professional celebrations. Year after year, every year, we celebrate September 5^th – Teachers’ Day. The gifts for them would range from Red / Green coloured Pens to Chalk Piece carvings to New Dresses to Glass Gift Pieces. Parents used to treasure those gifts and loved the surprises. Unlike every family, Kailash and I was brought up by our grand ma – Pappu Paatti. For, my “Teacher parents” were always busy with their ‘children’ from schools and other classes. We would always be discussing everything with our Pappu Paati only. These celebrations made us feel very little is certain yet we chose to celebrate every moment.

Year before last, Dadda celebrated his 25 years completion as teacher and Mom celebrated her 25^th year as teacher. We planned for some outing. But, every dog has its day, right. It was then the time for kids to be busy and the parents to miss the kids. Both of us had our work commitments and hence could not make it for the outing. Kailash made sure that our parents received their gifts.

When I called him in a state of anguish, he taught me that we must learn to accept the responsibilities that we have and also continue having the responsibilities that we already have. He taught me to tackle responsibilities. That day he taught me to take care of myself. He told me to handle myself responsibly. I never understood his words then. After a while, when he left the world, I was too busy handling everyone else. I got so used to the fact that I will be the Bull’s eye for every one’s target. I forgot how to cry. Months passed. The grief was buried deep inside me. I forgot how to cry and vent out. Instead, I wore a mask of boldness and traveled the time.

I have a biggest responsibility ahead of me. More than being a daughter to my parents, a good wife to my husband, a better daughter in law to my in-laws, I must learn to take care of myself. I must learn to be responsible for my life. I must learn to keep myself happy. I had quit my job. I got married. I faced challenges. Now, I am using all my energy to do things that make me feel happy. I write. I browse. I cook. I hit the gym. I go for the walk. I do everything that makes me happy. I want to rebuild my happiness. But, somewhere, at some point, I miss the lacuna left by him. That lacuna can never be filled.