I am happy when I do some thing that interests me, some thing that gushes my adrenalin and makes all my cells and tissues active, something that is a vent out for my thought process, something where my emotions could be leaked out giving me divine bliss. And to me, it is often Writing.
This is MY world where pituitary meets the paper ! ! !
It all started with a question. "How to reach It?" Okay, what is IT? "IT" is the light at the end of the dark tunnel - the tunnel which i dunno how long is!
Ok, I get it. "do you still believe to see the light?"
"Hell, yeah! I do. I am not sure if I per se, will see IT. But I am sure, IT prevails there and I need to get to IT to see. IT wont come to me! So, I keep moving, with a hope"
That is how a conversation goes between heart and mind on the worst days which are more than the better days in life. We all face it. Some times a a day or two, many a times a few days in a row. We cant help worse days to disappear. All we can do is to face 'em. We face dampened emotions, unmuted melancholy, grey scale scenarios and all those negativity. We put on a masquerade, smile at jokes that tend to hurt us, wear on a smile that lets none believe we are drifting in a black hole. Dull senses, darker period, stifled voices, lost taste and what not! We get accustomed to a pretending life. Passing every day, pretending to be happy and laughing to jokes that never made sense or listened to ears!
Days like these are when we get so insane and think to end our own lives. Before we realize what we had decided upon, we are gone. Every day struggles like this? What is the point? And, no body would speak of the bravery to put an end card, but would curse the cowardice nature to die! If you plan to put an end card - in other words - suicide / self harming/ whatever, just a cent to think. All these mentioned practices need more courage - dying demands more courage than to live.
So, plan and live your life. Let the fear fear to near you. Overcome the depressions, the tough times and prove your strength and derive happiness. Walk - walk through the dark hours, we will definitely see the light at the end of the dark tunnel. For, life is once and we deserve to be happy! Do not stuff your happiness into other's pocket. Yes, seeing others' happiness is the truest form of joy, but at what cost? not at the cost of your happiness. So, LIVE !
Lets walk through the darkness and say it is going to be alright !
I hate facing some days when sadness and celebration intertwine.
August has always been the month of lots of celebrations and pampering for me.
August has the Tamil month Aadi, in which the Fridays are considered to be so
very auspicious. Auspicious in the sense, the girl of the home is celebrated
and pampered. She gets gifts for Fridays. I did too. Ever since I remembered, I
was gifted with studs, bindhis, bangles and a lot more of chocolates by him. Four
gifts for four weeks of the month. It was beautiful but I was ugly. I would
demand more. He would smile and feel proud to my parents that I had not grown
beyond twelve – thirteen years.
“Sometimes, Appa, I do not know, if this loosu gaana
had stopped growing”, he always teased me to Daddy.
August meant celebrations for the siblings. It is the
month of Raksha Bandhan. The sibling love in the form of rakhis and shanmathis
is seen all around. I never knew it was the last year of me celebrating Raksha
Bandhan with him. I called him in the midnight, at the stroke of twelve.
“Adei, Happy Raksha Bandhan da thambi”, I called out
in the phone.
‘Yehn di, Is this like a birthday or what? Why are you
bothering my sleep?”, he responded.
“I do not know, whatever. I am calling you. Which means,
I have wished you. Maybe I will send a pic of Rakhi in the WhatsApp, down load
and give me the Non – Virtual and Real shanmathi.”, I replied.
That year was when I first wished a newly got lovely
man as my brother. Velhunna is how he called and the name in my phone is still
the same and will be same, “Anna”. Anna wanted me to get me something of my
choice as shanmathi. I was boasting to Kailash about this. He was so very
possessive but at the same time sensible, added a few more bills to Anna’s gift
money and asked me to get a hand bag that I might use for day – to – day purpose.
When I asked him in a later point, why should I not have two gifts but one, his
reply was, “We both love you the same way. At least, I guess it to be, by the
way you say about Velhunna. You see the number of gifts you get. I see how to
make one gift, useful. And, the underlying truth is, you have to grow more to
understand what I mean.”
Maybe, I changed his exact words. May be today I do
not remember many of his words very exactly. But I remember the synopsis of his
statements. And when, today, I realise, his hidden love for me and how
childishly I have been through out and how mature he was to handle me, I
smile through tears, being grown up is more complicated than I thought it would.
I should consider him a short spring who had taught me to bloom in gloom. When
I dwell over these memories, my emotions build up. I cannot handle my own self. Maybe some last clicks with him are those left with me along with these memories. May be we clicked this picture, because we might not celebrate Raksha Bandhan any more. Well, I do not know.
is seeing me from somewhere above. He has been guiding me so far and will do
till eternity. Though he is possessive of his kinship with me, I am sure, he is
glad for leaving me in the hands of a very very few trust worthy brothers whom
I always rely upon for everything in my life, ever since. Me and the other four
of us try to understand that Kailash’s place in my life can never be filled by
any of them. But, these people, Gowthaman, Sudhir, Venkat Anna and Velh Anna and
many more, had always been there for me, striving their best to teach me how to
lead a life of respect and love. And now, all I have is, these people with me, to celebrate the day. And now, all I have is, to live my life with full happiness. And now, all I have is , to behave responsible and discharge my duties as how he would have wanted me to. And now, all I have is, his memories which can never be snatched by anyone. And now, all I have is, the huge lacuna that he left in me, with which I have to live my further days. And now, all I have is, A Life that I can make it to be meaningful, which I WILL, for Him.
the one who sees me above and to these loving brothers who fill my pages with
love and more, A Happy Raksha Bandhan . . !